Friday, 22 July 2011

Abacus and dice


(An experiment)

plastic
poker
dice

Crashing ,raging, roulette hopes
despairing lost felt future

the last chip cuffed the owner
indicted the roller, a sliding slave

ivory
carved
counters

tense
wired
conformers

solidly building an inmate’s wall
consolation lost in counting

5 comments:

  1. An experiment? You mean in the single-word lines? It's an excellent piece, Martin. The one-word tercets work effectively as contrast and in juxtapostition to the longer couplets. They offer, in terse, cogent droplets, snatches of imagery, emotion, the whirl of it all. The loss of teh gambler is keenly felt here and you elicit the heartbreak from your reader as, in closure -

    solidly building an inmate’s wall
    consolation lost in counting

    this is underpinned and strengthened by teh aural poetic deice you imbue the closing couplet with solidly/consolation and assonance with 'lost', with wonderful cadence/rhythm here to stretch out the final tragedy.

    Really the only issue I would have with this (possibly) is that you might be giving too much away too early with this couplet -

    Crashing ,raging, roulette hopes [>comma needs correcting]
    despairing lost felt future >this line almost pre-empts your closing right-hook; I wonder if you could hint at this more subtly here at this stage in the game?

    Great piece. The experiment is a complete success.

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  2. i so enjoy your writing...

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  3. Strong poem, Martin. Your writing always fascinates me in all forms.-Aida

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  4. Excellent writing - I loved the alliteration of 'sliding slave' - for me, these two words were pure magic. In my humble opinion the word 'despairing' could be cut.I also love the final line "consolation lost in counting' - the assonance of consolation lost is really effective.

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  5. I like how you've managed to complete a mood and story in just a few terse, well-chosen words. Nicely done. Really enjoying reading all of your pieces, Martin.

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