Saturday, 15 October 2011

A ridiculous guide to screen your daughter’s prospective boyfriends:

My daughter will turn next month 07 years old and she is daddy’s little princess. She is blessed with big expressive brown eyes and a huge smile that melts all resistance away to the disgust of my wife that always seems to be the “bad police”

In my eyes even her greatest vices falls under the “cute factor” and she gets away with everything.

I dress her over the weekend in one of her best polka dot dresses and Barbie high heels and parade the busy streets with her.

Walking with a narcissistic smile enjoying the feeling that I was the co creator of this little goddess and the pleasures of how she flaunts every great attribute she received from me and her mother.

Old aunties will pinch her on the cheek and young hot bodied babes will come up to us and enquire about her age and how lucky I am. One day everything changed when she received a new little play date friend Peter.

Peter being the new orb of her life and the next best thing after fruit loops and strawberry milkshake started ignoring me. This little boy scarcely higher than the kitchen sink was a real little player holding her hand and kissing her on the forehead.

“The bloody cheek the little bugger had!” I complained to my wife the evening in bed. “Do not be ridiculous they are only friends and you are blowing this thing completely out of proportion” she said.Lauging and putting out the light she ended the discussion by saying “You can start getting paranoid when Peter becomes 18 years old with a inferno of male hormones cooking inside him, leave them alone they are just playing.

Rolling around in bed I imagined my sweetie pie coming to me vomiting, confessing that little Peter knocked her up.

No! this will never happen and as the old saying goes prevention is better then cure. Given the fact that I am a Risk Manager in these dangerous and volatile times I will rather devise a screening process to eliminate the risk of panty fetish boyfriends that look like Sex Pistols punk rockers.

1 The Screening Process: Walk ins

1 Big black trained K9 that can smell weed and other recreational drugs on the prospective boyfriend. The Big black dog also detests excessive tattoos and piercings on any person. The dog’s directive is detect, deter, deny or simply to jaw him back on the other side of the fence.

2 A metal detector at the front door that can further detect any hidden piercings (god knows where) and possible small firearms and knives.

3 A dog hatchet in the front door if the alarm sounded on the metal detector and a mobile panic for the local armed response and emergency services because it is after all a vicious dog.

2 The clearance process: Documents

The prospective boyfriend needs to bring the following documents on his first visit:

A His Original identification document and a copy of it.

B His fingerprints and a criminal clearance certificate.

C blacklisting credit clearance certification

D Payslips for the last three months of employment.

E Aids and STD clearance certificates

F Proof of address and proof of life insurance making my daughter the sole beneficiary if he lied.

G Letter of good standing with his Church

H Stamped election voting participation status.

3 The Clearance Process: the testing process:

1 Psychometric questionnaire testing

2 Lafayette Polygraph and layered voice stress verification test

3 Urine drug test and red line alcohol breathalyzer test on each visit.

4 The Interview Process:

The Panel will consist of the following interviewers:

1 My mother in law that disapproved my first date with her daughter

2 My feminist lesbian activist sister

3 Jock the family dog that had a tour in Afghanistan as an enlisted bomb squad K9

It was two o clock the morning and I was still planning the induction process when I heard some commotion in the kitchen. When I came into the kitchen the whole floor was spilled with milk and my daughter was found sobbing because her night gown was soaked.

“Hey lovely it is all right, why are you so up early” the good father enquired. With those hazelnut eyes she looked me point blank and asked “Grandmother says you guys had me before you got

married, what’s up with that?

5 Post Script:

My wife recently snooped around on my computer and left me the message with an alternative ending.

“Your daughter thinks you are her knight in shining armour when she talks about you, have a little faith and rather use this ending”

It was two o clock the morning and I was still planning the induction process when I heard some commotion in my babies room. . I rushed into her room and she was sobbing and said that she made the bed wet.

I felt her embarrassment and reassured her “you are still my big girl and do not worry I will help you “


  1. Too cool! You have just expressed the very mindset that I thank the lucky stars that I have three boys instead of girls!

  2. That was sweet. Aren't daddies the greatest? ♥

  3. wow, such detailed information,
    very thought provoking take.

  4. It's amazing how Daddies become fascistic in their protective compulsion, all the things they abhore in society suddenly become completly rational!!!lol, thank god for your least you have another 7ish years to get a grip daddy knight. Lovely write, frank, warm n amusing x [Freya W.]